Assalammualaikum / Peace Be Upon You
Just as I’ve promised from my main Instagram account (@sitiology) that I’ll be posting a story of my turning point.
If you guys have been following me on my main Instagram account from Day 1, you’d know a few changes I’ve made. But those you don’t, it’s alright cause I’ll be explaining it as well. So here goes my story;
Since young, I’ve been donning hijab on and off and I don’t exactly remember when (maybe during my Nursery/Kindergarten days?) It started off as my parents picking out outfits for me to wear and sometimes I’d have to cover up my Aurat. And from there it has been an off/on thing between me and the shawls. But most of the time I’d wear them during special family occasion etc.
It was only when I met my then-Boyfriend-now-Husband in late 2013 that I slowly learned to cover up and the meaning of hijab. He taught me the learning of Islam and what was the points of being a Muslimah and a Khalifah of Allah S.W.T. However, I started donning the hijab only a year after that (I’m not so sure which month but it was in 2014 during my Polytechnic days) It felt a bit weird for me personally as it was in mid-semester that I started to wear shawl. So you guys can imagine the strange looks and questions that my friends asked me all the time. It’s was a hard experience for me as I was an active student outside modules and classes while in my journey of donning the hijab on. I was a Facilitator (E.L.F) as well as a Pesilat and somehow to me it felt as thought I was restricted from doing all those active/aggressive activities. Not only that, I was also friendly and especially loves to mix with friends from the other sex. So obviously it got people talking about me; like Why am I openly mixing around with the boys? Why am I being so closed to the boys? But as I slowly continue the journey, slowly accepting the chances, I was going with the changes. And honestly speaking I’m starting to enjoy it, loving it. And of course donning the hijab didn’t stop me from dressing myself up. I still get to apply the same makeup on and still managed to style myself up (hijabi friendly styles) And add on, I’ve made more new friends who’re in the same journey as me. And yes, it brought me closer to Allah S.W.T.
And if you had followed me along with my journey, it was around third-quarter of 2015 that I’ve removed my hijab from me. To be honest, I don’t know what made me changed back to the old me as it was a hectic period for me. It was the period where me and my then boyfriend got into a real big fight and where I was struggling with my course. I felt really helpless at the point of time and felt like giving up, as thought HE was not helping me. And right after when I was “thrown out”/dropped out from school, I stopped wear hijab. It was a weird feeling for me as if I bared myself for the world to see.
So after the incidence, you can say I’ve totally changed myself back into the old me. I’ve started to dye back my hair ( at first it was brown but I dyed it to dark auburn and then to red mahogany and finally my hair colours turned to somewhat a golden brown) and I’ve started to change my attitude as well. And yes of course that got people talking as well, and the one question that I could never give an answer was “Why did you stop wearing hijab?” and my parents even gave me a questioned look but that still didn’t make me turned back. So as per normal, I continue my days “uncovered”.
So what got me to don hijab back?
It is obviously not cause of the Ramadhan (fasting month) that I wanted to change. What got me to change was after a few incidents that had happened for a few months back – when I finally got accepted into a new Polytechnic, a new course, when my then boyfriend finally took me back into his life, when I had delivered my Daughter and when my then boyfriend took me as his now Wife – it got me thinking about my afterlife later, about what punishment would my hubby be responsible of. And most importantly it got me thinking about my Daughter; of course I wouldn’t want her to be following my dark footsteps. So that got me thinking of wanting to don back my hijab. Yup like the Malay saying “tergerak hati untuk beruba” (not so sure how to translate that …)
But thinking back, the thought of wearing hijab for temporary purpose scares me since of my previous experience. But Insha Allah slowly I’ll continue this journey without giving up. And I’m really thankful for all my families and my friends, especially my hijabi friends (you know who you are babes) for pushing me to be at my best no matter. And yes of course to my hubby who never gave up on me.
So to all hijabis who are new on this journey or are intending to embark on this journey as well, remember that it’s okay to be different from your non-hijabi friends and it doesn’t matter if you stands out from the rest. The most important thing is you’re true to yourself and you want to be closer to Allah S.W.T himself (that includes of being kind inside as well)
So that’s all for now