Yes, before i met Muhammad Irfan Shah, they can say things about me. I used, played and cheated the innocent ones and in return, i was used, played and every meanest thing you ever think of. I am the kind of girl that no one would want to be friends with, the kind of girl that deserves no love and attention, the kind of girl that everyone hates.
I admit, i had a dark history. A history that really destroyed me. A history that made me someone that i hated so much, regretted so much till now. I admit, i was stupid. Growing up was hard for me. It felt as though i was alone, walking through a tunnel with nothing but coldness and silent. It felt as though i had to guide and trust myself the way out from the tunnel. They spread nothing but the negative of me and the trust that they had for me was crushed by a single force. And everything i do seems a failure in their eyes. Every pain and tears was kept to myself. No one heard my screams or seen my bloods. I was lost. But i do know the fact that the past me, had brought me to where i am today.
It was only that i met him, that everything changed. I still remembered the first day i met him. It’s like he’s an angel sent down for me and somehow i felt it in my heart that he’s the one. Yes, all this while during my relationship with him, it was never a perfect one, or the happiest one. I fought with him, hated him and even worst, wished that i had never met him. But, he is the one that i spent the most energy on, the most effort on. And among the many guys i’ve been with, i’m dare to say that he is worth fighting for with all my life. He showed me what it’s like to be loved, to smile without forcing a muscle. He brought the light into my life, the warmth in my life. He is my guidance and my guardian.
And honestly speaking, every single day, i am afraid of losing him. Losing a guy like him. And i know i won’t be able to find another one like him. And i’m afraid of seeing him treating another girl right, showing her off to his friends and family. He may hate me for being this way; clingy over him, over protective and all but he may never know how much he meant to me. I admit i’m not the kind of girl that he desired and i admit he shouldn’t be loving someone like me but to be honest, he’s all i have right now in my life. That’s the reason why i’m holding on to him, the reason why i’m depending on him. He’s all i have right now.
People may say that i am using him for my happiness, but now that you’ve read through the post, i’d say i’m not. He is my source of happiness, he brought back the smiles that’s supposed to be on my face. And his smiles, it gave me strengths. Seeing his smiles made me even loving him more deeper. I wish he is able to read this post as well as understands about my relationship of almost 2 years with him. I wish he is able to see what i see in him cause he is who i want to be with till the end of my breathe.